My husband, Daniel, and I were married on April 14, 2007. Three months after our wedding we found out we were expecting a baby. At my twelve week appointment, the doctor could not find our little one's heart beat; I had lost our child. I was so angry for so long. I struggled daily with bitterness and jealousy, and I still miss that baby desperately. God used an old friend and Beth Moore's "Stepping Up" study to chisel away the hardness in my heart and bring me to my knees. I was changed! More than a year after losing our first child, we found out we were pregnant with our second child. Daniel and I both were incredibly happy. As scared as I was of losing another child, I was choosing to trust God to hold our baby in His hands. Sadly, the days God had ordained for our baby, were not what I had prayed for. Again, we lost our child at 12 weeks. My heart was different this time; I made the hard choice not to be angry, and to praise God amidst the worst heartache of my life.
It has been a year and 2 months since our second baby went to be with Jesus. We are still trying to conceive our third. We found out through testing that I am a carrier for a deadly genetic disease. The doctors said our odds of having healthy children are high, but not high enough to push out fear. Daniel and I have chosen to turn our fertility over to God, and will not be receiving any sort of treatments. If God has biological children for us, the Creator of the universe is perfectly able to overcome my health problems and give us a baby.
The wait is becoming grueling for us both. We bought a house last May, and the empty room intended to be the nursery feels like the vast emptiness in my heart. I feel like we're close to becoming parents; I have so much hope. The thought of another Mother's Day creates a painful lump in my throat. We've talked about adoption, but we are not in the position financially to even consider it. My prayer is that we bring home a child this year, or at least conceive a healthy baby. Watching all of my friends experience motherhood is bittersweet; I am so happy for them, and yet, I cannot stop thinking about all I've missed with my own children. Yet, for all the pain I've endured through this experience, I am thankful for the experience. I know I've been radically changed by this. So much so that our marriage has been saved. Also, when our baby finally does come, I can truly appreciate how precious his or her life will be.
Father,
Please, comfort mine and Daniel's hearts through this pain of waiting and grieving. Keep my thoughts pure and holy, and protect me from jealousy and envy. I ask that You miraculously heal my body, and make me whole and complete. Help me to always remember the place You pulled me out of, and how You transformed me. I want to always give You the glory for what you've done for Daniel and me. God, please, send our miracle soon.
Kimberly